A Few Moments

Today I have been hit with moments of literal, physical pain. Throughout the day my stomach would all of a sudden hurt as if someone punched me and my head was pounding. It wouldn't last long but it would come in waves. I was trying to fall asleep when it happened again so here I am. I actually feel nauseous. My body is physically grieving for my baby girl.

Five weeks. That's how much time we had. Well actually for 45 weeks and three days she was held either in my womb or in my arms. Moment by moment is how we lived out those weeks. Especially the five weeks that she was here with us...in our arms. I wouldn't have closed my eyes if utter exhaustion hadn't won over. I think I was surviving off of 3 or 4 hours of sleep. I would hit a wall and God would hit me over the head and knock me out. I slept very deeply and then my eyes would pop open a few hours later and I needed to have her back. I needed her in my arms.

I remember realizing that we had to make each moment count...that we weren't going to have many moments. When Ava made it to one week I made birthday cupcakes for her. I don't remember where everyone went but it was just me and Ava. I cried as I realized that this was the day for her mommy to make her a birthday cake. We weren't going to have the opportunity to celebrate the typical "first birthday". I was thankful for that moment.

Throughout our five weeks together I was deliberate about creating special moments. I had to cram a lifetime into days. I didn't know how long I had with her but I knew it wasn't going to be long...it was never going to be enough. So...Ava and I danced together. I turned on some music, held her, and swayed very gently around the living room. We listened to music together while I held her on the couch. I read the bible to her aloud. Not all of it- just some of the Psalms. I sang to her and read books to her with the other children. She even got in the bath with me. I wanted so bad to be able to take her for a walk and to go to the park but she just wasn't well enough. But once, on Wednesday March 12th to be exact, we sat on the porch swing for about 20 minutes or so. That night she had a very tough time and we thought we were going to loose her the next day. Needless to say I didn't take her out of the house again. I studied her toes, her fingers, her eyes, her mouth. I planted more kisses on her than stars in the sky.

I was so thankful God put it on my heart to grasp at the moments we had. To be deliberate. How often do we just go through the motions of the day without being deliberate. How often do we take the time to look into our children's eyes when they ask us a question or when they have something to tell us. There are so many things that I won't get to do with Ava on this side of heaven. That hurts deeply BUT I choose not to dwell on those things. I CHOOSE to dwell on the moments we DID have. And I CHOOSE to continue to grab hold of the moments I have NOW. Love the moments you have with your children, your husband, your family. Good or bad, be there in the moment because you don't know how many you will have.

We were a complete family for five weeks. We were whole for five weeks...we were six. Living life together. Loving, laughing, and living together. Now there's always one missing. I'm seeing three, counting three, and I keep trying to count to four. There are supposed to be four. For a few moments we were six...for a few moments we had four.

Thank you Father for your promise of eternal life.