He is faithful

It has been awhile since I've wanted to say anything. This road is so hard, so very, very hard. Most of the time I want to scream. But at who? I don't want it to come out on people around me, which usually happens. Maybe not that they are aware of it but inside I am screaming at them. I get very angry. Why? I don't know what to do with all this pain. Everyone is a target.

Then I want to scream at God. Why did you allow this when you could have stopped it. I found myself screaming at God the other day because my little boy spilled his milk on the floor. I thought, "God you could have prevented this milk being spilled all on my clean kitchen floor, but I guess that was too much to ask, too!" Crazy, I know. But now I had to mop my kitchen floor for the third time this week! And this was 15 minutes before we had to be at church.

So after these bouts of anger who is there to embrace me? Jesus. The very same Jesus that I was screaming at earlier. At church on Sunday (we got there on time even with having to mop the floor) I was singing with joy. It has been four weeks since I was able to sing to my God and actually mean the words coming out of my mouth. He is good. God is good no matter my circumctances because he doesn't change. I praise you Lord that you are faithful...that you don't change. You love me even when I scream at you. Your love for me is consistent, never ending, and unchanging. You are a merciful and faithful God.

Satan is so cunning. Sometimes I am convinced that God is the one I should be angry with. This is a lie. God can handle it, sure. But it was not God's original plan to have all this death and destruction. We live in a fallen world. Jesus is coming back and all will be restored. Until then...

Jesus be a fence all around me.