Do you know...?

I don't even know how long it has been since she left us. I don't really want to know. It hurts so bad. Right now I could just scream at everyone I come in contact with. I can hardly stand to be around people. It is too draining. I just want to tell everyone to SHUT UP! I want so much to be ok for everyone around me. But really I am not and I never will be ok. None of this is ok. It will never be ok. Life just doesn't go back to what it was. It doesn't get fixed or "get all better". That part of it is fine with me. I don't want to go back to where I was. But it is really frustrating when everyone around me is on the same path they were on before Ava was born. I know my friends are sad and hurt for me but nothing is the same. It can't be the same. I am barely breathing here and the world just keeps on spinning. Nothing holds the same weight it did before Ava was born. Some of this is wonderful because it has changed my perspective. I am grabbing moments with my children because we don't know how many more we will get...holding my husband closer and tighter. But what about the stuff that I thought was important before. So much has become so unimportant to me. And I can't imagine it becoming important again. And it really takes alot for me not to scream at people around me for not seeing that some things, most things, are just not as important as one may think! I wouldn't trade places for anything. I am humbled and honored to have my eyes opened and my heart opened like never before. Probably more than alot of people may ever experience. But honestly, it can be lonely. And this is not pride or self-righteousness. It is truth from a perspective of great loss and tragedy and from being striped almost completely bare of self. To go through something like this...to have all these feelings and emotions...I just don't have the words. Even if I could find some words it wouldn't do any justice. And I won't be able to make anyone understand. You don't know what it is like to hold your baby as she slips away. Death is ugly. It is not pretty. Do you know what it is like to hold your baby while she is having seizures? Do you know what it's like to have to stop feeding your baby because she refuses it and it causes her distress? Do you know what it is like to have to give morphine to your baby to help with the pain of her little body shutting down? Knowing that it should be lasting four hours but it only lasts for one? Do you know what it is like to see her color change from pink to blue or purple because she isn't getting enough oxygen and you know there is nothing you can do? Do you know what it is like to have your baby stop breathing for three minutes, or five minutes, or seven minutes and to then see her whole body arch back and gasp for a breath? Do you know what it is like to feel the warmth of her skin give way to the coldness of death? To see her pink skin turn ashen gray? Do you know what it is like to see the glaze come over her eyes and you know she is no longer looking at you but passed you? Do you know the smell of death on your sweet baby's breath? Remembering the day we lost her is enough to make me sick. It is strangling. So don't blame me for not caring about what you care about. I don't blame you for not knowing what it is like. What else is there to do but surrender. God, I surrender. There is nothing else to do.

Suffocating

It has been two weeks and four days since our Sweet Ava passed away. Right now I am feeling like I am suffocating from the pain. I just don't know what to do. I try to busy myself but at this moment every task seems too overwhelming. I really just don't know what to do. I remember when we first got the diagnosis at 18 weeks feeling something similar. Somehow I came upon this scripture that gave me some words to what I was feeling.

My heart is in anguish within me,
And the terrors of death have fallen upon me.
Fear and trembling come upon me,
And horror has overwhelmed me.
I said, "Oh, that I had wings like a dove!
I would fly away and be at rest.
Behold, I would wander far away,
I would lodge in the wilderness.
I would hasten to my place of refuge
From the stormy wind and tempest."
Psalm 55:4-8

My hope

This blog is an attempt to share the amazing journey that God has set before our family. So far it has been a journey of faith and trust on a road marked with anger, sorrow, peace, joy and love. My hope is that these words will bring further glory and honor to the Creator and Sustainer of life.
-rachel